Talking about it


So I went to this meeting thing to talk about my assault (knitting in hand). It was on a big uni campus. A few men started yelling at the women gathered (there were some mighty decent blokes as well...real men, not like the a%*holes who were also there). They were laughing, like rape was no big deal. Like all my pain didn't matter at all. I'm not sure why they laugh. I don't get it all. They could have walked away. But they had to be ....something...I'm still not sure what.

Why do they act the way they do? Why?

It hurts. Oh G-d the pain of it all. They should know better. Why? Why ? Why?

Sad Post.

So my partner's mum has been here for some time now. They love each other very much (and they both love me too). It has been good, but...

My own family doesn't like me very much. Why ...because I'm queer. They think I'm the worst possible thing that could happen to them. They are so embarrassed. They believe that G-d hates queers. Everytime I see them it just tears me up inside. So now, I don't visit them. They are very angry with me for not popping over there occasionally. Of course, I'm just going to sit there while they yell at me for being who I am. While they degrade my partner. Almost my entire extended family feels the same way.

My family is insane!

For instance after I was attacked in December, I called them. They sounded rather sympathetic, but they never called me back. Not once. I tried to call them again, but they were busy at a friend's for the weekend. They told me not to think about....told me never to mention it again.

I guess it shouldn't be a surprise. I spent years being badly bullied at school. I had my head bashed against the floor (causing permanent damage), was attacked, and beaten nearly everyday. No one cared, because I should have been a better person. I should have been smarter, prettier, not learning disabled, not ugly, not bisexual. I should have been somebody else. My parents never did anything. They never said anything. 12 years of coming home bloody...no one cared. I should be amazed I'm going to uni at all. I'm still amazed I passed enough levels to get in...since I spent most of my time running.

Part of me knows its all lies....some part anyways. Sticks and Stones may break my bones...but words will my spirit.

It shouldn't hurt this much. I should be able to let it go. I should be able to move on. I should be a lot of things. Sometimes I'm just a failure.

Well I have been busy busy!

My partner's mum is visiting for nearly two weeks. She's fantastic, so it's alright. Lots to show her (really we don't actually live in a lower circle of hell, really!)

Currently I am working on a lacy shawl, while I search for the perfect waistcoat pattern for my partner. We're starting off on a holiday soon. I am looking forward to seeing the Highlands and the Orkney Islands. I've never been, and it looks beautiful. However, it can get rather cold there, even in May, so a waistcoat will be good.

I've heard of this documentary from the United States called "Awful Normal". It's about two girls that were molested. They grew up and went back to the town to find out what happened. It is supposed to be amazing. Check it out.

http://www.awfulnormal.com/

You know it is so sad that so many people have been molested and raped. Hopefully as more documentaries are made and more people speak out the word will spread. Speaking of which I found this lovely site from the BBC for kids. They have these great webguides, and one is on domestic violence. Another is on bullying (another pet topic of mine). Show these to your kids. They are good for anyone and have loads of places to go and numbers to call.

http://newswww.bbc.net.uk/cbbcnews/hi/guides/default.stm

Cheers for Now!

You know this world can be really depressing

I know! I can hear the sarcasm, but just be patient for a second.

Violence is everywhere; it can be so overwhelming. Bombs, violent crime, enviromental destruction. It can drain you dry. Especially when it becomes personal. When it hits home and the cozy little world you've built is torn apart.

Just before New Year's I was attacked in the street and sexually assaulted. I managed to finally hit the man and get away. I was terrified. I got to safety and just about lost it.

Then I flaked out. I didn't want anyone to know. I was too ashamed to call the police until the next day. When they did arrive they treated me like I was worthless. They were very rude and I was pretty much in hysterics. My partner and one of my friends were there. They had to explain it again to the police because I was crying too hard. A report was finally made, but nothing came of it. They never called me or anything. It was a devastating two days.

So now I go to the rape crisis center for therapy once a week. For a few weeks I couldn't be alone. I didn't want to leave the house. However, I did it. I'm getting my life back again. But things will never be the same! I don't know if that is good or bad.

I wish I could say this was the first time I have been touched by violent crime, but I'd be lying. I've been mugged, beaten, and had many other things happen. Some people say I shouldn't be surprised. Well why the hell not? Just because we live in the 21st century, just because I live in a "bad city", just because I'm a woman, just because I'm queer does not mean I need to just accept it! I will not tolerate violence just "because". I'm now submitting my story to many publications and websites (more to follow should they ever be published). I will stand up, and I will be loud. Maybe that's what this world needs. People to stand up and say NO!!

We now stop this rant and return to our regualarly scheduled blog.

So every week I have a bit of time before therapy. While I'm waiting I knit. I've knit nearly an entire sweater this way (I had started it before the attack). Now when I wear that sweater I'm reminded that I survived. I made it. It sounds silly that so much meaning could be put into one little sweater...but it's true. It's a bit like a shield when I wear it. Not all armor needs to be made of metal. Not all armor needs to protect the body, sometimes it can protect the soul.

Okay, so you found this blog, and you're wondering why should I bother looking at it? Whats it all about?

We might as well just jump into it. I knit. Have been for about two years. I started knitting when I was diagnosed as having a "mass" in my skull. I was in pain, all the time. The medications made me sick, I couldn't walk, and basically life sucked hardcore. I ended up needing surgery.

My beloved partner knits like mad, so she taught me how to knit. It took multiple months to knit a really ugly acrylic scarf. I mean really ugly. It looked more like some twisted bunsen beaker from high school. BUT the knitting helped. It helped me deal with the pain, the fear, and the anger.

I created this blog to talk about how I've knit through other really trying times in my life. I'll post some finished projects, fave links, and other stuff.

I want this to be interactive. So would you respond or email me about the times you've "knit it through".